Headaches

I've been having near-constant headaches. I finally got a break yesterday when I ate 4 eggs and 3 pieces of string cheese. A major dose of protein seems to soothe my head.

Still working out, whether I feel like it or not. It always bumps my mood up and makes me feel better.

I'm feeling a little pregnant--physically, I mean. I feel my uterus shifting when I roll to my side or belly but am still comfortable lying on my stomach or back. I also am still fitting into almost all of my regular clothes comfortably. The only ones on the way out are my "skinny" jeans. (You know? Those jeans you wear when you lose a couple pounds but can't wear when you're bloated from your period?)

The pregnancy journal says that I may be in maternity clothes or looking pregnant with my second child. Apparently the body remembers and automatically adjusts. I'm dreading looking pregnant, but I know it's coming. I asked Aaron if I look pregnant and he said my stomach is starting to stick out a little bit, but the rest of my is looking trimmer.

I did Jillian Michaels today (with major modifications, of course). The weight lifting felt good, but I took it a little easy on the ab and cardio workout. My body feels pretty good, minus the headaches and food aversions.

A "delicate" condition

Doctor's appointment last Thursday. The heartbeat was 165 bpm. Aaron and Evan were both there. Evan didn't like the noise. He said it sounded like two snakes. Aaron was very quiet but later said that it was pretty cool. I lost 2.5 lbs since my last appointment.

My doctor said there is no reason to stop laying on my stomach or my back, like so many books and articles say I should. He says to listen to the baby.

I find this comforting. The more I exercise--and by the way, I only missed ONE DAY last week!!!--and the better I eat, the more I realize how many mistakes I made with my pregnancy with Evan. I realize how many women really let themselves go. They don't take care of themselves. My doctor is a firm believer that pregnancy is not a disability or a delicate condition. Exercise is making such a difference in this pregnancy. I feel so much better!

Amazing that I'm 12 weeks pregnant, and this past weekend while I was bartending, I was told that I'm doing a great job keeping the weight off and that I look good. It made me giggle to think that I'm 12 weeks and don't look a day.

I really  hope I can keep up the positivie attitude, the smart eating, and the exercise.

11 weeks, 5 days

My dreams are out of control.

I'm getting more excited. Babies are cute and snuggly. I think Evan will enjoy being a helper. I've checked formula prices and feel like this is do-able.

I'm getting scared. This house is just the right size for the three of us. Do we have to move? What about the dogs? Will we find a place in the country with such a nice yard? Can we squeeze the kids into our old bedroom until we're down to at least one dog? I'm going to get huge. I can't sub over the summer and we'll be strapped for cash. So much to worry about.

I'm still doing well on my weight and eating and exercising. I've excersised every day, except the three days I was really sick last weekend. I'm eating well but indulge occasionally. I'm tracking food and water on sparkpeople.com to be sure that I'm not going over 2000 calories/day. I feel good. The nausea hasn't been as bad, the headaches are going away, and I'm approaching my twelfth week.

The time is approaching when this will no longer be a secret. I still want to put off telling others because of aforementioned reasons and also that I'm afraid I'll lose my determination to keep my weight down. When everyone knows you're pregnant, they expect you to look pregnant. I'm afraid my eating will get out of control again. I just can't do that!

Sleeping on my belly is starting to be slightly uncomfortable...

Game Plans

I called the insurance company today to find out about maternity coverage. Have you ever asked a question and you instantly knew that the person you were asking thought it was a stupid question? That's pretty much how my whole conversation was. Then I found out all sorts of information about our deductible, how much is covered for prenatal and delivery and oh man! It's going to hurt!

Then I got enrolled in the healthy pregnancy program. I did that with Evan. (It's a program provided by our insurance). They basically hook you up with a nurse line and website, call to see how your pregnancy is going and send you coupons and stuff.

I also ordered Denise Austin's pregnancy workout DVD. For those of you unfamiliar with Denise, she's a fitness lady who has a show on Lifetime and has tons of DVDs and workout videos. She's almost obnoxiously cheerful and encouraging, but I've done some of her workouts in the past and thought she would have a good workout regimen for pregnancy. She's had two kids of her own and looks fantastic, so I feel pretty good about this. It's a good workout and is actually based on a lot of her other workouts but is modified for pregnancy. And she's really into the whole baby thing. "Keep your abs strong! Hug the baby with those strong abs. You're doing something good for you and good for your baby!" The whole thing is baby, baby, baby. I'm just thinking, "Lady, I just don't want to be huge!" 20 minutes of aerobics and 20 minutes of toning is pretty manageable in a day, don't you think?

Finally, I've been reading to Aaron from my pregnancy journal. We missed a few days and I read them all, and Aaron put his head in his hands and said it sounded like the instructions to an assembly line--that he could almost see it all coming together. I think that's good for him. He went to a private school, and given how little he knew about female anatomy and development, it's my guess that he thought a baby just starts out as a miniature and gets bigger.

Reasons for Secrecy

Baby's eyelids should be forming today!

I just found a pregnancy journal that I had with Evan. It tells what's happening with the baby day by day. I think that's a little easier to take on then What to Expect. Afterall, I really only need a refresher.

Aaron and I talked again about when to tell people. He is patiently waiting for me to be ready. I finally found the words to explain to him why I don't want to tell people just yet. Here it is for all of you:

I've always been socially awkward. I'm uncomfortable in social situations. I don't like having birthday parties, Christmas parties, baby showers, bridal parties, etc. because I'm suddenly thrust into the spot light. I feel as though everyone is staring at me, evaluating, critiquing, scrutinizing, expecting a performance. And they are.. I do those things when someone else is the center of attention. I just got out of the spotlight. I'm not the bride anymore. I don't want to be back in that terrible spot light. I'm enjoying my peace and quiet. Announcing a pregnancy invites everyone into your business, whether you want them in it or not. Everyone has an opinion: "Is she eating right? Did she gain too much weight? Oh, look how swollen she is! She looks terrible! Oh my God, you're huge! Are you having twins?! How are you feeling? How's the baby doing?" Let me tell you, this is not an experience I am looking forward to repeating. I am doing everything in my power to minimize the horrors of pregnancy. People say really horrible things to pregnant women that they wouldn't consider saying to someone who wasn't pregnant because it would be considered rude, and I seem to be surrounded by such people.

In addition, people seem to want to touch baby bellies. Before Evan, I was just as guilty as anyone else--wanting to touch the baby bump and talk to baby. I now ask. For some unknown reason, personal bubbles and boundaries are suddenly non-existent for pregnant women. I have a particularly difficult time with this because I don't like being touched. Ask any man who's ever dated me. My mom says she used to wait for me to come to her when I was a toddler because I've never enjoyed physical affection that I don't initiate. Hugs and kisses, even handshakes, are difficult for me because they require skin-to-skin contact. It's actually physically painful for me. I enjoy deep tissue massages, but squirm away from a gentle back rub, an affectionate rubbing against my arm, and even light kisses.

Finally, there is the inevitable joking that tends to go too far. Aaron's friends at work seem to think it's okay to joke about me having sexual intercourse with some of the guys he works with, one of whom in particular is expecting a child about the same time that Aaron and I are expecting our's. I find these jokes tasteless, rude, and downright insulting. I just know that this will get too far when Aaron and I announce our bundle and the due date.

This baby is a honeymoon baby. Polka Dot wasn't planned, but he sure is welcome to the family. I don't want his existence to be a point of mockery and cruel jokes. I want people to celebrate his birth, to love and adore him while giving me my space and allowing me to continue being "Linny" and not a double-entity.

Aaron agreed that keeping a secret is fun and kind of nice and special. It's nice not to have to face the constant stream of questions of "How's mom? How's baby?" when this process takes months, and there is little daily change. He acknowledges that he's gonna get it at work too. While he's very excited and would like to tell, for example, close friends and relatives, he is allowing me to minimize the more painful aspects of telling everyone until it's too hard to keep the secret.

For now, I'm still tired. I feel better physically and found that I get most nauseaus when I don't eat enough. My weight is good, and I'm getting more excited to hold the little Polka Dot.

Dreams

I am having crazy dreams! Most of them are about people finding out that I'm pregnant. For example, in my dream the other night, I was bartending and had a low-cut shirt on. All of a sudden, my bosom just got huge and everyone started yelling, "You're pregnant!" and I panicked and woke up. All of the dreams are ridiculous or embarassing situations and extremely vivid, just as they were when I was pregnant with Evan.

Maybe it's because we haven't told anyone, but I really don't feel pregnant. It's very early--I'm only 8 weeks--but it just doesn't seem real.

I had my first doctor's appointment last Thursday. I have the same doctor I had with Evan and who was, coincidentally, Aaron's delivering doctor! He is estimating the due date to be July 28, but I just don't know. Evan took his sweet time, arriving 10 days late, and if Polka Dot is anything like his/her father, he/she is going to take his/her sweet time arriving as well!

Chocolate and Zzzzzz's

So far I seem to be craving chocolate and sleep. I napped for about 3 hours yesterday, slept in this morning and could easily go for another nap today. I have never wanted chocolate so much in my life. I'll take it anyway I can get it-- candy bar, ice cream, chocolate syrup, brownies, whatever! A small and powerful dose seems to do the trick each day but I think about it almost constantly.

This week I go to the doctor for the first time. I'm going with a list of questions including how many calories should I consume daily? and what can I do, if anything, to prevent pre eclampsia this time around?

The more time goes by, the more I enjoy this little secret. Aaron admitted that he sometimes forgets. I assured him that it's easy to do. We can't see our little polka dot and no one's constantly reminding us. Or giving us crap. It's just us. No huge reactions or outrageous comments. It's just... nice.

I'm actually dreading telling people. I don't want the commotion or constant stream of questions. I don't want the attention. I just want... well, I want to just go on with life as it is, with one minor addition.