On Having an Autistic Child

Having an autistic child is frustrating. There's no other way to say it. Yes, I'll admit it. My plan and God's plan are two very different things.

I struggle. I mean, I've really had to fight to get my son the therapy he needs, to get him to a point where I feel like he'll be able to function in society.

There are so many days that I watch him at playground group or school and just want to cry. Why can't he be like the other kids? Why does he have to self-stimulate? Why is he withdrawing? Why isn't he following directions? I have to remind myself that Evan has come a long way in his four short years of life. There is hope, and we've had many blessings.

Evan just became verbal a little over a year ago. Now, he's telling me stories about his day. He exaggerates about his fishing expeditions (like a true fisherman). He tells me very specifically how he wants his sandwiches prepared. "I want the yellow cheese on my big peanut butter san'wich." (translation: "Put some sharp cheddar on that pb&j, Ma, and don't cut it!") He tells me he loves me, that I'm his best friend and his favorite person.

The language alone is a huge blessing. Thank you, God, for giving my son the ability to put his feelings and wants into words. I appreciate that!

While Evan is far from perfect, he's also not severe. Again, I have to be thankful. It's not what I want, but it's God's plan.

I think I do everything I can to help my son learn, to teach him skills that he will need, or to put people in his life who can help him with his skills. I struggle with humbly obeying the Lord and not being a rebellious, angry "teenager". Accepting God's plans is part of being a Christian. It's a test of faith. I can stay up all night worrying--even though it really doesn't make me feel better--or I can pray, listen to God's directions, accept His plans for my life, and take action where and when I can.

Eviction Day! - {pretty, happy, funny, real}

Here I am on my due date, still pregnant. I go back and forth between being hysterical--is the baby going to be okay? Can we hang on until s/he is big enough to be born--and being quietly content--s/he will come out when s/he is ready! Lots of babies are born after their due date. The only reason I get any sleep at all is because it spends half the night kicking me awake, and I take that as my sign that it's okay to sleep. The baby is alive and well.

To keep myself distracted, I'm going to do {pretty, happy, funny, real} again this week.

{pretty}

This is the blind kitten someone found in the middle of a highway last summer. At about a year old, he's huge, and I think his markings are very pretty. I can barely keep from touching him when he's snuggled, sleeping, and looking so pretty!

{happy}

 It rained yesterday, and Evan asked if he could go outside to play in the rain. He was very happy when I told him yes! He spent an hour splashing in puddles, twirling his umbrella, and catching raindrops in his mouth before he came in of his own accord!

 This might be a bit silly, but the dog, Eddie, is the happy creature in this photo. He just loves to snuggle. He actually has his head resting on Evan's chest. Evan was flattered that Eddie wanted to snuggle with him but quite irritated that I was taking a photo.

 Ahhh... Things that make my silly husband happy... Saturday night he filled the back of his truck with pallets. (23 in all.) And he burned them with some friends over. The fire got so big that he actually hosed off the roof--just in case! Believe it or not, he didn't drink at all during the bonfire, but I don't think that pot of coffee he chugged helped him make good choices either.

My mom spent Saturday at the house. She's always happy to see how much Evan is growing and how he's developing. Eventually, we all crashed, and she and Evan took a happy nap on the couch in front of the air conditioner.

{funny}

 My two boys! The blind cat, Captain, and Eddie looking out the window just cracks me up. The cat is blind! Why is he looking out the window?!? (He does have an amazing sense of smell and hearing, but it always cracks me up when he looks out the window.)

 While wandering around a local thrift shop, Evan found that goofy umbrella hat and kept asking me to put it on him. We brought it home for $1, and he's been wearing it ever since.

There is a whole lot of Captain in this blog, but he was just a character this last week. This is a picture of him playing with a giant marshmallow. I watched him jump on the counter, delicately remove a giant marshmallow from the bag, leap to the floor with it, then carry and fling it around like a toy, while stopping occasionally to eat a little piece or clean the stickiness from his paws!

{real}

 This is Evan's first real scraped knee. I mean, the first one that was really like, "Oooohhh...... That hurt!" There's something strangely satisfying about seeing that first scraped knee. He is all boy!




While Evan played outside in the rain yesterday, I stayed in the laundry room....

 catching water in whatever I could find.....

 as the landlord is putting a new roof and ceiling on that part of the house.





He's been working on it for nearly two weeks....



So, there's my week. Now you can all be assured that I'm not just obsessing over my baby's eviction day and I'm still living my day to day life. And I can think about things other than my baby's eviction day and find happiness and contentment in every day life before my little polka dot is here.

For more {pretty, happy, funny, real}, check out "Like Mother, Like Daughter"

39 weeks 3 days - The end is NOT in sight, apparently...

I've been looking at my last post, trying to figure out how to get to that place again. So much changed in 24 hours.

On the 15th, it looked like this baby could come any day now. When the doctor checked me on the 22nd, there was no change. He looked concerned, pushing and poking more than usual, trying to make sure the baby was head down, double checking measurements. He finally said, "I think the baby's too small to put enough pressure on your cervix for you to go into labor."

Hmm. Okay. I'm processing here. What does that mean?

It means a couple of things, none of which are good.

1) My baby will have a low birth weight. We knew this was a possibility from the beginning, but the reality is a little scary. It doesn't necessarily mean anything terrible, but it's not good.

2) I'm going to be pregnant for a while longer. Not ideal. If you've been following this blog, you know I am probably the most miserable pregnant woman alive.

The above are the issues in their most basic form, but let's get down to the nitty gritty, shall we? The things that have been keeping me up at night--

Low birth weight means
all kinds of possible health risks for the baby.
my placenta may not be doing its job.
my Celiac's may be sabotaging my baby's health.

A full-term plus pregnancy means
more physical misery for me.
more emotional misery for me.
a longer period of harassment from friends and family--"Oh my God! You're still pregnant?!" or "You haven't popped that sucker out yet?!?" Eloquent, aren't they?
high anxiety for me, due to above comments and fear for my baby's well-being.
possible induction, which is usually a longer and harder labor and delivery.
more monitoring of the fetus. The placenta has a shelf life of about 40 weeks. After that it becomes less efficient.

I'm so uncomfortable with all of this. Everything may be fine, but have you ever had a sense? A premonition? A feeling? That something was wrong? Something was going to go wrong? That's how I'm feeling now. It's hard to keep it together when I'm feeling nearly hysterical from all above reasons and the nagging pit in my stomach that something wicked this way comes.

I guess all I can do is pray and hope and trust in my doctor.

I think I'm {pretty, happy, funny, real} all on my own today! - 39 weeks

Please note that {pretty, happy, funny, real} is the intellectual property of "Like Mother, Like Daughter". 


I'm trying my hand at the {pretty, happy, funny, real}. I may not be doing it quite right, but here is what I came up with:

This one picture covers all four.

Pretty
Look at the beautiful long, healthy, blonde hair!

Happy
I'm officially 39 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby. What's not to be happy about?

Funny
I've owned that shirt since I was in fifth grade. Nine months pregnant and 17 years later, I'm still getting some use out of it!

Real
Babies. Life. Pregnancy. Taking a photo of your own profile. What gets more real than that?

How to Fill the Hours While Waiting for a Baby - 38 weeks, 6 days

Here I am. We've got the finish line in sight.

I've got to admit, it's difficult not to get frustrated. I mean, I want this baby OUT! NOW!

I want to be my cute, bouncy self again! I want to do dishes, laundry, sweep, mop, and bake in consecutive order and not fall down from exhaustion. I want to run and flop onto my belly while playing on the slip 'n slide with Evan. I miss being physically close to my husband when we hug or dance.

On the other hand, I have to remind myself that every day that this baby hasn't come yet is one more day of life as we know it. I need to use these pre-baby days to the best of my advantage. Nap. Play games with Evan. Go to the grocery store with just my husband. Bake muffins. Make pasta salads. Hang laundry on the line. Read a book. Watch my favorite tv show. Go for ice cream, just because we can. Teach Evan how to play computer games on the Sesame Street website. Do the things that I enjoy doing without an infant to worry about.

This afternoon between therapy sessions and in the middle of this heat wave, I let Evan fill up his kiddie pool and thought we would just sit outside for 20 minutes or so, waiting for the next therapist to arrive. He just looked so bored and lonely that I, at 38 weeks and 6 days, decided to go inside, put on my bathing suit, and join him in the kiddie pool. I know it probably doesn't sound like much, but the heat and humidity that we are experiencing here in Wisconsin is quite out of the ordinary. Don't forget to factor in my large size and limited mobility.

I was Evan's hero for the day! He thought it was hilarious that I was in his pool, pretending to make my way down his tiny little slide, and splashing in the water. We kicked our feet, slapped our hands, and were dumping buckets of water on each other. We were both genuinely laughing and enjoying each other's company. Before I knew it, an hour had flown by!

His therapist had been at the house for half an hour and had done all the paperwork she could do, so we finally made our way inside and got dressed. Evan was smiling and laughing, saying things like, "You just play with me, Mom!", "I have fun with you!", and "I like playing water with you, Mom!"

What it really comes down to is that I need to be patient, take advantage of every pre-baby minute I have, and thank God for the opportunities He is providing for me while being patient and waiting for Him to decide when this new baby will come.

I'm not TOTALLY crazy, after all!

I literally just got home from my 38 week appointment. In my last post, I mentioned that I was feeling funny and my animals were acting funny. It was not all in my head! I am 1-2 cm dilated! Doc said my cervix was still high and thick, but maybe my body really is getting ready. With my first, my cervix wasn't ripe at all on my 41 week visit and Evan was (naturally) born three days later. Whew! I'm not crazy. Well, totally crazy, anyway.

Full Moon or Pre-Labor? - 38 weeks 1 day

"I am due in 13 days; I am due in 13 days." I keep telling myself this. It's probably the only thing keeping me going at this point.

I have had no back pain through this pregnancy until I hit this past Tuesday. Now I have severe, constant, sharp pain in my lower back and lower abdomen.

I've been feeling "funny". I don't have a bad feeling. I just feel off. I'm not nesting like I was. I've stopped getting things ready for the baby because we are as ready as we're going to be.

My beagle Eddie, the least empathetic dog in the world, has taken to sleeping with his head resting on my belly or hip at night. (Coincidentally, this started Tuesday night.) Does he know I'm in pain? Or is he sensing or smelling something more?

And my calico, Maddy, whom I've had for 10 years now, has been waking me up once or twice a night, (also, coincidentally starting Tuesday), by licking my face right before I have a contraction.

My mornings always start off pretty good. I'm rested, I feel better, I haven't seen anyone yet. By the end of the day, I'm a wreck. I'm in a heap on the bed crying and miserable. I'll spare you the details but suffice to say I'm highly irritable and tired of being pregnant.

I'm suddenly sleeping more. I'm napping while Evan's in therapy and putting off simple daily chores until I feel like I really do need to get up and do something before my husband comes home.

There's a full moon tonight. Maybe my funny feeling has to do with the moon. Or maybe this baby is starting to get ready. I just don't know.

Cheering Myself Up in 5 Minutes - 37 weeks 4 days

Things that make me happy:

• my son's new hair cut
• getting my eyebrows waxed. (there's something about that whole "beauty is pain".)
• snuggling with my dog
• back rubs
• foot rubs
• belly rubs
• looking at baby clothes
• thinking of baby names
• talking to my son about fishing
• my son being accident-free for a whole day
• kisses from evan
• "i love you"s from evan
• my husband running his hands through my hair
• clean sheets
• new laundry detergent
• phone calls from my sister
• phone calls from my step-mom
• cheeseburgers
• my cat licking my face
• thunderstorms
• my husband calling to make sure i'm watching out that the thunderstorm doesn't worsen at 5:30am
• trying to figure out what kind of formula to buy
• my apricot scrub face wash after a hot, sweaty day
• emptying the vacuum cleaner and seeing all the cat hair that was on my floor go into the garbage
• my joyce meyer books
• talking to God

Okay, I set a timer for 5 minutes, and that list was what I came up with. Here I am, 17 days or more until the big day--assuming this child loves me as much as my first and doesn't want to come out on time--and I'm beginning to really feel the pain of pregnancy. My hips fall asleep when I lay on one side too long, my back is sore, I have a hard time getting up when I sit down on the ground, my you-know-what is starting to swell, and my stomach muscles hurt when I'm up for too long. I was laying in bed, starting to cry and just feeling sorry for myself. Boy, do I feel silly now. A little physical pain and look at all the happiness in my life! And so much of that is the son that I have and the baby yet to be born or the love of my husband. I am glad we're adding to the family.

4th of July - 36 weeks 4 days

Do you ever feel like everyone wants a piece of you? I do. On the one hand, it's quite flattering that so many people desire mine and my husband's company. On the other hand, it gets pretty frustrating that every time we get a day off, we are somehow committed to spend its entirety with our families or friends. I think many people often forget that we are a relatively young couple and that I work weekends. We don't have much family time.

Fourth of July, we'd been invited to my aunt's house and Aaron's parents house. We were talking it over. Where should we go? Who invited us first? And something in me just snapped. "I want to do what I want to do!" I told Aaron.

"What's that?" he asked.

"I don't know. Let's just spend the day together."

"Okay! What do you want to do?"

So we thought and thought and thought. What do you do when you're 36 weeks pregnant?

"I feel like driving," I said.

And that was that. We decided to go on a day trip. And we decided to head to Door County. Our last and probably funnest night of our honeymoon (which was when this baby was conceived) was in Door County, but it was in early November. Aaron had really wanted to have the Door County experience but you just don't get it unless you go in summer.

What a lovely day together! We took long country back roads. We stopped at a winery and tasted wines and picked out a few to put on ice until the baby arrived. We found a little restaurant down by the beach and had a quiet lunch. We stopped by a roadside market and picked out fresh strawberries and cherry cider. And finally we found a park that we had stopped at on our anniversary and just sat on a bench and enjoyed the view.

We talked about baby names and what we thought the baby would look like. We planned our first anniversary. We talked about what we were excited for and what we were nervous about. And at the end of the trip, we agreed we needed that day together and were ready to have this baby now. We hadn't quite felt ready before but now we knew we could stick together.

It was a beautiful day. We came home exhausted but somehow managed to muster the energy to go to the beach and watch the fireworks with Evan and some friends. I went to bed feeling totally refreshed and am still on cloud nine today!