Reasons for Secrecy

Baby's eyelids should be forming today!

I just found a pregnancy journal that I had with Evan. It tells what's happening with the baby day by day. I think that's a little easier to take on then What to Expect. Afterall, I really only need a refresher.

Aaron and I talked again about when to tell people. He is patiently waiting for me to be ready. I finally found the words to explain to him why I don't want to tell people just yet. Here it is for all of you:

I've always been socially awkward. I'm uncomfortable in social situations. I don't like having birthday parties, Christmas parties, baby showers, bridal parties, etc. because I'm suddenly thrust into the spot light. I feel as though everyone is staring at me, evaluating, critiquing, scrutinizing, expecting a performance. And they are.. I do those things when someone else is the center of attention. I just got out of the spotlight. I'm not the bride anymore. I don't want to be back in that terrible spot light. I'm enjoying my peace and quiet. Announcing a pregnancy invites everyone into your business, whether you want them in it or not. Everyone has an opinion: "Is she eating right? Did she gain too much weight? Oh, look how swollen she is! She looks terrible! Oh my God, you're huge! Are you having twins?! How are you feeling? How's the baby doing?" Let me tell you, this is not an experience I am looking forward to repeating. I am doing everything in my power to minimize the horrors of pregnancy. People say really horrible things to pregnant women that they wouldn't consider saying to someone who wasn't pregnant because it would be considered rude, and I seem to be surrounded by such people.

In addition, people seem to want to touch baby bellies. Before Evan, I was just as guilty as anyone else--wanting to touch the baby bump and talk to baby. I now ask. For some unknown reason, personal bubbles and boundaries are suddenly non-existent for pregnant women. I have a particularly difficult time with this because I don't like being touched. Ask any man who's ever dated me. My mom says she used to wait for me to come to her when I was a toddler because I've never enjoyed physical affection that I don't initiate. Hugs and kisses, even handshakes, are difficult for me because they require skin-to-skin contact. It's actually physically painful for me. I enjoy deep tissue massages, but squirm away from a gentle back rub, an affectionate rubbing against my arm, and even light kisses.

Finally, there is the inevitable joking that tends to go too far. Aaron's friends at work seem to think it's okay to joke about me having sexual intercourse with some of the guys he works with, one of whom in particular is expecting a child about the same time that Aaron and I are expecting our's. I find these jokes tasteless, rude, and downright insulting. I just know that this will get too far when Aaron and I announce our bundle and the due date.

This baby is a honeymoon baby. Polka Dot wasn't planned, but he sure is welcome to the family. I don't want his existence to be a point of mockery and cruel jokes. I want people to celebrate his birth, to love and adore him while giving me my space and allowing me to continue being "Linny" and not a double-entity.

Aaron agreed that keeping a secret is fun and kind of nice and special. It's nice not to have to face the constant stream of questions of "How's mom? How's baby?" when this process takes months, and there is little daily change. He acknowledges that he's gonna get it at work too. While he's very excited and would like to tell, for example, close friends and relatives, he is allowing me to minimize the more painful aspects of telling everyone until it's too hard to keep the secret.

For now, I'm still tired. I feel better physically and found that I get most nauseaus when I don't eat enough. My weight is good, and I'm getting more excited to hold the little Polka Dot.