18.5 weeks and making a turn towards the better

Yesterday, Sunday, Aaron and I decided to try a new church. It's a small church in a rural area, which is perfect because we live in a rural area. Every other Sunday the service begins at 10:30 and that's also perfect, given my weekend occupation. We'll need to go back a few more times to make a decision. It seems like the kind of church I could get involved in, but I thought that about my last church, too. I'm hopeful, though. It was good to sing hymns again and to share in my faith.

Saturday, Aaron and I took Evan to the Tripoli Shrine Circus in Milwaukee. My grandpa is a shriner and was able to provide us with tickets for free. The seats were great, and we were even escorted to them. Due to Evan's nap on the way to the show, he missed lunch and was suddenly ravenous as soon as the show started... or as soon as he spotted the treats of the children around him. We got up three times during the first half of the show to go to the bathroom, get a snow cone, and buy popcorn. 

He really enjoyed his snow cone!

I offered to buy Evan a light up sword or glow stick, but he politely declined... Twice! The only souvenior he was interested in was the $3 giant circus balloon on a stick, shown here. He fell asleep holding it that night, played with it for two hours in his room by himself on Sunday morning, and then cried his little eyes out when he accidentally popped it.

Evan's second favorite act in the show was the elephant act. His grandmother had told him that there would be elephants at the circus and when they didn't show up during the first act, he quickly lost interest. There was lots of cheering as the elephants made their way out! 

I wasn't able to get a picture of Evan's favorite act, which were the motorcycle tricks. He actually stood up from his chair, yelling and cheering.

Finally, I found a Bible verse that I've been focusing on for a few days now that have really been helping me to get through. Psalm 43:5 Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God. All of Psalm 43 is inspiring, but I clung to this last verse with every fiber of my soul. It spoke to me on a level that  no other verse has ever spoken to me. 

Between this verse and the start of the search for a new church, something in me awoke. I realized how terribly selfish I've been--how unloving towards my husband, how ungratel for the gift of motherhood, and how untrusting and disobedient I've been towards God. I spent much of my day cleaning but in meditation and prayer. Yesterday, I even told one of our close friends about the pregnancy and agreed to begin to tell others in the next week. I think I can begin healing now.

I've been inspired!

I hate to post more than once a week, but a couple of things happened.

First, I got nosy and started reading through other people's blogs and realized there are a lot of public blogs out there--men and women just like me who are willing to share their thoughts and feelings.

Then I found a blog written by a mother of two who was daring enough to publicly discuss baby blues.

The wheels in my head started turning, and before I knew it, I was reading over my own private blog and realized what a disgusting, depressing mess I've become. It's time to get my stuff together, deal with my baby blues, and move on!

Then I decided to make my mess become public because... well, I guess I want other people out there to know that they're not alone.

So this private diary is now becoming a public blog in which I deal with the crap (my son's autism and my pregnancy blues), share in the joy (and though I haven't shared it yet, it's there!), and just make sure that I keep writing (because I've always dreamed of being an author).

17.5 weeks

Last week, I finally broke down and called my doctor. I couldn't stop crying. I was beginning to hate and resent Aaron and the pregnancy (not the baby). Instead of accepting substitute jobs, I would sit at home crying, watching movies, sleeping. I refused to do any housework. When I was at work, I was snippy, moody, angry... He gave me a prescription. I feel well enough that the crying and mood swings have stopped. I don't want to feel euphoric or empty or blindly happy. I feel better and sound better now.

I had a doctor's appointment on Valentine's day. The heart rate was 165 and sounded good and strong. 2 lb weight gain last month for a total of .5 lbs lost so far in the pregnancy. We scheduled an ultrasound for March 14. I've been feeling movement and last week, I saw movement externally.

16 weeks

I haven't been happy.

I'm just a mess today

So... instead of subbing today, I'm spending the first day of my second trimester on the couch, crying. I'm drowning in an ocean of fear, anxiety, grief, and paranoia.

Yesterday, I was notified by Evan's case worker that his insurance company does cover his therapy. Getting WEAP and my case worker to cooperate is... difficult. I fear that we are going to drown in the debt of this and will have to declare bankruptcy. His waiver funds should be able to cover some of the co-pay, but my fear is: how much? This is a bad time to be expecting a baby.

In addition, I'm still not quite ready to tell the world that I'm expecting. And what I've sort of decided is that I just don't want to tell everyone. I want it to be a quiet affair. We'll tell those that we want to tell, but I don't see any need for a public announcement. I mean, people are going to figure it out after a while.

I'm getting upset because I'm getting bigger. I'm not gaining weight, but my belly is getting bigger. My brother--I told him yesterday because Aaron and I figured after he spent the weekend, he has  to know by now anyway!--said he could tell I'm losing weight but that I'm pregnant based on certain protuding parts. I hate being pregnant. I mean I HATE being pregnant!!!!  I don't hate the baby, but I hate being uncomfortable, getting bigger, getting stretch marks, morning sickness, vaginal discharge, constant badgering by those who know or suspect, having to buy new clothes and not having the money to, worrying about where to put a baby, and these gosh darn mood swings!

These constant headaches are an awesome treat! Let me tell you! I think it's time to call my doctor.

Headaches

I've been having near-constant headaches. I finally got a break yesterday when I ate 4 eggs and 3 pieces of string cheese. A major dose of protein seems to soothe my head.

Still working out, whether I feel like it or not. It always bumps my mood up and makes me feel better.

I'm feeling a little pregnant--physically, I mean. I feel my uterus shifting when I roll to my side or belly but am still comfortable lying on my stomach or back. I also am still fitting into almost all of my regular clothes comfortably. The only ones on the way out are my "skinny" jeans. (You know? Those jeans you wear when you lose a couple pounds but can't wear when you're bloated from your period?)

The pregnancy journal says that I may be in maternity clothes or looking pregnant with my second child. Apparently the body remembers and automatically adjusts. I'm dreading looking pregnant, but I know it's coming. I asked Aaron if I look pregnant and he said my stomach is starting to stick out a little bit, but the rest of my is looking trimmer.

I did Jillian Michaels today (with major modifications, of course). The weight lifting felt good, but I took it a little easy on the ab and cardio workout. My body feels pretty good, minus the headaches and food aversions.

A "delicate" condition

Doctor's appointment last Thursday. The heartbeat was 165 bpm. Aaron and Evan were both there. Evan didn't like the noise. He said it sounded like two snakes. Aaron was very quiet but later said that it was pretty cool. I lost 2.5 lbs since my last appointment.

My doctor said there is no reason to stop laying on my stomach or my back, like so many books and articles say I should. He says to listen to the baby.

I find this comforting. The more I exercise--and by the way, I only missed ONE DAY last week!!!--and the better I eat, the more I realize how many mistakes I made with my pregnancy with Evan. I realize how many women really let themselves go. They don't take care of themselves. My doctor is a firm believer that pregnancy is not a disability or a delicate condition. Exercise is making such a difference in this pregnancy. I feel so much better!

Amazing that I'm 12 weeks pregnant, and this past weekend while I was bartending, I was told that I'm doing a great job keeping the weight off and that I look good. It made me giggle to think that I'm 12 weeks and don't look a day.

I really  hope I can keep up the positivie attitude, the smart eating, and the exercise.