17.5 weeks

Last week, I finally broke down and called my doctor. I couldn't stop crying. I was beginning to hate and resent Aaron and the pregnancy (not the baby). Instead of accepting substitute jobs, I would sit at home crying, watching movies, sleeping. I refused to do any housework. When I was at work, I was snippy, moody, angry... He gave me a prescription. I feel well enough that the crying and mood swings have stopped. I don't want to feel euphoric or empty or blindly happy. I feel better and sound better now.

I had a doctor's appointment on Valentine's day. The heart rate was 165 and sounded good and strong. 2 lb weight gain last month for a total of .5 lbs lost so far in the pregnancy. We scheduled an ultrasound for March 14. I've been feeling movement and last week, I saw movement externally.

16 weeks

I haven't been happy.

I'm just a mess today

So... instead of subbing today, I'm spending the first day of my second trimester on the couch, crying. I'm drowning in an ocean of fear, anxiety, grief, and paranoia.

Yesterday, I was notified by Evan's case worker that his insurance company does cover his therapy. Getting WEAP and my case worker to cooperate is... difficult. I fear that we are going to drown in the debt of this and will have to declare bankruptcy. His waiver funds should be able to cover some of the co-pay, but my fear is: how much? This is a bad time to be expecting a baby.

In addition, I'm still not quite ready to tell the world that I'm expecting. And what I've sort of decided is that I just don't want to tell everyone. I want it to be a quiet affair. We'll tell those that we want to tell, but I don't see any need for a public announcement. I mean, people are going to figure it out after a while.

I'm getting upset because I'm getting bigger. I'm not gaining weight, but my belly is getting bigger. My brother--I told him yesterday because Aaron and I figured after he spent the weekend, he has  to know by now anyway!--said he could tell I'm losing weight but that I'm pregnant based on certain protuding parts. I hate being pregnant. I mean I HATE being pregnant!!!!  I don't hate the baby, but I hate being uncomfortable, getting bigger, getting stretch marks, morning sickness, vaginal discharge, constant badgering by those who know or suspect, having to buy new clothes and not having the money to, worrying about where to put a baby, and these gosh darn mood swings!

These constant headaches are an awesome treat! Let me tell you! I think it's time to call my doctor.

Headaches

I've been having near-constant headaches. I finally got a break yesterday when I ate 4 eggs and 3 pieces of string cheese. A major dose of protein seems to soothe my head.

Still working out, whether I feel like it or not. It always bumps my mood up and makes me feel better.

I'm feeling a little pregnant--physically, I mean. I feel my uterus shifting when I roll to my side or belly but am still comfortable lying on my stomach or back. I also am still fitting into almost all of my regular clothes comfortably. The only ones on the way out are my "skinny" jeans. (You know? Those jeans you wear when you lose a couple pounds but can't wear when you're bloated from your period?)

The pregnancy journal says that I may be in maternity clothes or looking pregnant with my second child. Apparently the body remembers and automatically adjusts. I'm dreading looking pregnant, but I know it's coming. I asked Aaron if I look pregnant and he said my stomach is starting to stick out a little bit, but the rest of my is looking trimmer.

I did Jillian Michaels today (with major modifications, of course). The weight lifting felt good, but I took it a little easy on the ab and cardio workout. My body feels pretty good, minus the headaches and food aversions.

A "delicate" condition

Doctor's appointment last Thursday. The heartbeat was 165 bpm. Aaron and Evan were both there. Evan didn't like the noise. He said it sounded like two snakes. Aaron was very quiet but later said that it was pretty cool. I lost 2.5 lbs since my last appointment.

My doctor said there is no reason to stop laying on my stomach or my back, like so many books and articles say I should. He says to listen to the baby.

I find this comforting. The more I exercise--and by the way, I only missed ONE DAY last week!!!--and the better I eat, the more I realize how many mistakes I made with my pregnancy with Evan. I realize how many women really let themselves go. They don't take care of themselves. My doctor is a firm believer that pregnancy is not a disability or a delicate condition. Exercise is making such a difference in this pregnancy. I feel so much better!

Amazing that I'm 12 weeks pregnant, and this past weekend while I was bartending, I was told that I'm doing a great job keeping the weight off and that I look good. It made me giggle to think that I'm 12 weeks and don't look a day.

I really  hope I can keep up the positivie attitude, the smart eating, and the exercise.

11 weeks, 5 days

My dreams are out of control.

I'm getting more excited. Babies are cute and snuggly. I think Evan will enjoy being a helper. I've checked formula prices and feel like this is do-able.

I'm getting scared. This house is just the right size for the three of us. Do we have to move? What about the dogs? Will we find a place in the country with such a nice yard? Can we squeeze the kids into our old bedroom until we're down to at least one dog? I'm going to get huge. I can't sub over the summer and we'll be strapped for cash. So much to worry about.

I'm still doing well on my weight and eating and exercising. I've excersised every day, except the three days I was really sick last weekend. I'm eating well but indulge occasionally. I'm tracking food and water on sparkpeople.com to be sure that I'm not going over 2000 calories/day. I feel good. The nausea hasn't been as bad, the headaches are going away, and I'm approaching my twelfth week.

The time is approaching when this will no longer be a secret. I still want to put off telling others because of aforementioned reasons and also that I'm afraid I'll lose my determination to keep my weight down. When everyone knows you're pregnant, they expect you to look pregnant. I'm afraid my eating will get out of control again. I just can't do that!

Sleeping on my belly is starting to be slightly uncomfortable...

Game Plans

I called the insurance company today to find out about maternity coverage. Have you ever asked a question and you instantly knew that the person you were asking thought it was a stupid question? That's pretty much how my whole conversation was. Then I found out all sorts of information about our deductible, how much is covered for prenatal and delivery and oh man! It's going to hurt!

Then I got enrolled in the healthy pregnancy program. I did that with Evan. (It's a program provided by our insurance). They basically hook you up with a nurse line and website, call to see how your pregnancy is going and send you coupons and stuff.

I also ordered Denise Austin's pregnancy workout DVD. For those of you unfamiliar with Denise, she's a fitness lady who has a show on Lifetime and has tons of DVDs and workout videos. She's almost obnoxiously cheerful and encouraging, but I've done some of her workouts in the past and thought she would have a good workout regimen for pregnancy. She's had two kids of her own and looks fantastic, so I feel pretty good about this. It's a good workout and is actually based on a lot of her other workouts but is modified for pregnancy. And she's really into the whole baby thing. "Keep your abs strong! Hug the baby with those strong abs. You're doing something good for you and good for your baby!" The whole thing is baby, baby, baby. I'm just thinking, "Lady, I just don't want to be huge!" 20 minutes of aerobics and 20 minutes of toning is pretty manageable in a day, don't you think?

Finally, I've been reading to Aaron from my pregnancy journal. We missed a few days and I read them all, and Aaron put his head in his hands and said it sounded like the instructions to an assembly line--that he could almost see it all coming together. I think that's good for him. He went to a private school, and given how little he knew about female anatomy and development, it's my guess that he thought a baby just starts out as a miniature and gets bigger.