The Relationship Between my Husband and my Son

My husband is not my father's son.
Gasp.
I know.

Some of you may judge me for that. Before you think about stringing me up over a tree, I think it's fair to remind you that such situations are not that uncommon these days. I believe having him was the right choice. Whether his dad and I had stayed together or not, I have never regretted his conception or birth. He is a sweet, beautiful, loving child. I was a silly girl in college and though precautions were taken to prevent pregnancy, they were unsuccessful. I thank God they were.

Little Shaver loves to do what Aaron does. Here he's following Aaron with his bubble mower as Aaron mows the lawn.

Little Shaver's dad and I tried to make it work. We stayed together through my pregnancy, he was there for the birth, and the first 15 months of Shaver's life. Shaver's dad and I were even going to get married, but I called it off six weeks before the day.



This photo was taken over a year and a half ago. Little Shaver loves to spend time with Aaron in the yard. And Aaron likes to teach him.



We were getting rsvp cards back in the mail, and I just couldn't do it. After seeking advice from my campus advisor and pastor, I finally had a good talk with my campus chaplain. She asked if I was nervous about my wedding day or my marriage. I knew then that getting married, even if it was ideal for my son, was not going to work. I called off the wedding and faced the consequences. And believe me, it wasn't pretty.

Aaron and Little Shaver at the local Easter egg hunt

Aaron and I were friends long before Shaver was even conceived. I would be lying if I said I didn't have a crush on him, even when I was dating Shaver's dad, but he was never the reason I left Shaver's dad.

After I left Shaver's dad, Aaron and I started dating. He took on a young woman with a young toddler who was working two jobs and going to school full-time. Can you imagine what he must feel for me--to want to marry a pretty difficult woman with some baggage and self-esteem issues and an autistic toddler?

It's sad that my son's dad and I aren't together--I've grieved for my son.

However, there are some positive points.



This was Little Shaver on the morning of his birthday this year. Aaron insisted on getting him his own cd player and children's cds.

My husband is a great guy. He truly is. He knows how to handle me and all the attitude I can dish out. He has learned to love and care for my son. He's actually the one who gave my son the nickname "Little Shaver". (I think it stems from my son's fascination with Aaron's shaving...) When he talks about Scout and Shaver, he refers to them as "our children". On some level, he does think of Shaver as his son.

Aaron's parents immediately and happily assumed the role of grandparents. (They even introduce him as their grandson--not my son or their step-grandson. He is their grandson!)

There was a lot of luck, or divine intervention, that made what could have been a really crappy situation good for my son. He gained another father figure and another set of grandparents. Shaver's dad and I are still friends and only live about five minutes from each other. We have promised never to bad mouth each other and have really stuck to that.

Two years ago I was the maid-of-honor for my best friend's wedding, and Little Shaver was the ring bearer. (See the bear? Hehe!) Aaron was good enough to chase Shaver around the rehearsal dinner, dress him for the wedding, and chaperone him down the aisle!

Scout's birth has complicated Shaver and Aaron's relationship. There are days my son isn't perfectly behaved and needs a time out. His autism is hard to deal with at times. Aaron and I both get irritable with him. I remind Aaron that if he doesn't take special time with Shaver like he does for Scout, it will destroy Shaver. That really seemed to click for Aaron, and he's been making a special effort ever since.



Last summer, I was a bridesmaid for my step-mom's wedding. While we girls went shopping, had hair and nails done, and enjoyed a night out together, Aaron was caring for Little Shaver in a town he'd never been in so that I could be a good bridesmaid.



I worry about the relationship between Aaron and Shaver now that Scout has joined the family. Aaron has honestly admitted that he feels differently about Scout than he does about Shaver. He says it's hard for him not to be Shaver's biological dad. That's okay. I feel differently about Shaver than I do about Scout. I think it's natural. I think it's important to work on, but I think there's always something special about your first-born. I just pray that Aaron and I both work on our different feelings and are able to develop and keep great relationships with both our children.