I think I'm {pretty, happy, funny, real} all on my own today! - 39 weeks

Please note that {pretty, happy, funny, real} is the intellectual property of "Like Mother, Like Daughter". 


I'm trying my hand at the {pretty, happy, funny, real}. I may not be doing it quite right, but here is what I came up with:

This one picture covers all four.

Pretty
Look at the beautiful long, healthy, blonde hair!

Happy
I'm officially 39 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby. What's not to be happy about?

Funny
I've owned that shirt since I was in fifth grade. Nine months pregnant and 17 years later, I'm still getting some use out of it!

Real
Babies. Life. Pregnancy. Taking a photo of your own profile. What gets more real than that?

How to Fill the Hours While Waiting for a Baby - 38 weeks, 6 days

Here I am. We've got the finish line in sight.

I've got to admit, it's difficult not to get frustrated. I mean, I want this baby OUT! NOW!

I want to be my cute, bouncy self again! I want to do dishes, laundry, sweep, mop, and bake in consecutive order and not fall down from exhaustion. I want to run and flop onto my belly while playing on the slip 'n slide with Evan. I miss being physically close to my husband when we hug or dance.

On the other hand, I have to remind myself that every day that this baby hasn't come yet is one more day of life as we know it. I need to use these pre-baby days to the best of my advantage. Nap. Play games with Evan. Go to the grocery store with just my husband. Bake muffins. Make pasta salads. Hang laundry on the line. Read a book. Watch my favorite tv show. Go for ice cream, just because we can. Teach Evan how to play computer games on the Sesame Street website. Do the things that I enjoy doing without an infant to worry about.

This afternoon between therapy sessions and in the middle of this heat wave, I let Evan fill up his kiddie pool and thought we would just sit outside for 20 minutes or so, waiting for the next therapist to arrive. He just looked so bored and lonely that I, at 38 weeks and 6 days, decided to go inside, put on my bathing suit, and join him in the kiddie pool. I know it probably doesn't sound like much, but the heat and humidity that we are experiencing here in Wisconsin is quite out of the ordinary. Don't forget to factor in my large size and limited mobility.

I was Evan's hero for the day! He thought it was hilarious that I was in his pool, pretending to make my way down his tiny little slide, and splashing in the water. We kicked our feet, slapped our hands, and were dumping buckets of water on each other. We were both genuinely laughing and enjoying each other's company. Before I knew it, an hour had flown by!

His therapist had been at the house for half an hour and had done all the paperwork she could do, so we finally made our way inside and got dressed. Evan was smiling and laughing, saying things like, "You just play with me, Mom!", "I have fun with you!", and "I like playing water with you, Mom!"

What it really comes down to is that I need to be patient, take advantage of every pre-baby minute I have, and thank God for the opportunities He is providing for me while being patient and waiting for Him to decide when this new baby will come.

I'm not TOTALLY crazy, after all!

I literally just got home from my 38 week appointment. In my last post, I mentioned that I was feeling funny and my animals were acting funny. It was not all in my head! I am 1-2 cm dilated! Doc said my cervix was still high and thick, but maybe my body really is getting ready. With my first, my cervix wasn't ripe at all on my 41 week visit and Evan was (naturally) born three days later. Whew! I'm not crazy. Well, totally crazy, anyway.

Full Moon or Pre-Labor? - 38 weeks 1 day

"I am due in 13 days; I am due in 13 days." I keep telling myself this. It's probably the only thing keeping me going at this point.

I have had no back pain through this pregnancy until I hit this past Tuesday. Now I have severe, constant, sharp pain in my lower back and lower abdomen.

I've been feeling "funny". I don't have a bad feeling. I just feel off. I'm not nesting like I was. I've stopped getting things ready for the baby because we are as ready as we're going to be.

My beagle Eddie, the least empathetic dog in the world, has taken to sleeping with his head resting on my belly or hip at night. (Coincidentally, this started Tuesday night.) Does he know I'm in pain? Or is he sensing or smelling something more?

And my calico, Maddy, whom I've had for 10 years now, has been waking me up once or twice a night, (also, coincidentally starting Tuesday), by licking my face right before I have a contraction.

My mornings always start off pretty good. I'm rested, I feel better, I haven't seen anyone yet. By the end of the day, I'm a wreck. I'm in a heap on the bed crying and miserable. I'll spare you the details but suffice to say I'm highly irritable and tired of being pregnant.

I'm suddenly sleeping more. I'm napping while Evan's in therapy and putting off simple daily chores until I feel like I really do need to get up and do something before my husband comes home.

There's a full moon tonight. Maybe my funny feeling has to do with the moon. Or maybe this baby is starting to get ready. I just don't know.

Cheering Myself Up in 5 Minutes - 37 weeks 4 days

Things that make me happy:

• my son's new hair cut
• getting my eyebrows waxed. (there's something about that whole "beauty is pain".)
• snuggling with my dog
• back rubs
• foot rubs
• belly rubs
• looking at baby clothes
• thinking of baby names
• talking to my son about fishing
• my son being accident-free for a whole day
• kisses from evan
• "i love you"s from evan
• my husband running his hands through my hair
• clean sheets
• new laundry detergent
• phone calls from my sister
• phone calls from my step-mom
• cheeseburgers
• my cat licking my face
• thunderstorms
• my husband calling to make sure i'm watching out that the thunderstorm doesn't worsen at 5:30am
• trying to figure out what kind of formula to buy
• my apricot scrub face wash after a hot, sweaty day
• emptying the vacuum cleaner and seeing all the cat hair that was on my floor go into the garbage
• my joyce meyer books
• talking to God

Okay, I set a timer for 5 minutes, and that list was what I came up with. Here I am, 17 days or more until the big day--assuming this child loves me as much as my first and doesn't want to come out on time--and I'm beginning to really feel the pain of pregnancy. My hips fall asleep when I lay on one side too long, my back is sore, I have a hard time getting up when I sit down on the ground, my you-know-what is starting to swell, and my stomach muscles hurt when I'm up for too long. I was laying in bed, starting to cry and just feeling sorry for myself. Boy, do I feel silly now. A little physical pain and look at all the happiness in my life! And so much of that is the son that I have and the baby yet to be born or the love of my husband. I am glad we're adding to the family.

4th of July - 36 weeks 4 days

Do you ever feel like everyone wants a piece of you? I do. On the one hand, it's quite flattering that so many people desire mine and my husband's company. On the other hand, it gets pretty frustrating that every time we get a day off, we are somehow committed to spend its entirety with our families or friends. I think many people often forget that we are a relatively young couple and that I work weekends. We don't have much family time.

Fourth of July, we'd been invited to my aunt's house and Aaron's parents house. We were talking it over. Where should we go? Who invited us first? And something in me just snapped. "I want to do what I want to do!" I told Aaron.

"What's that?" he asked.

"I don't know. Let's just spend the day together."

"Okay! What do you want to do?"

So we thought and thought and thought. What do you do when you're 36 weeks pregnant?

"I feel like driving," I said.

And that was that. We decided to go on a day trip. And we decided to head to Door County. Our last and probably funnest night of our honeymoon (which was when this baby was conceived) was in Door County, but it was in early November. Aaron had really wanted to have the Door County experience but you just don't get it unless you go in summer.

What a lovely day together! We took long country back roads. We stopped at a winery and tasted wines and picked out a few to put on ice until the baby arrived. We found a little restaurant down by the beach and had a quiet lunch. We stopped by a roadside market and picked out fresh strawberries and cherry cider. And finally we found a park that we had stopped at on our anniversary and just sat on a bench and enjoyed the view.

We talked about baby names and what we thought the baby would look like. We planned our first anniversary. We talked about what we were excited for and what we were nervous about. And at the end of the trip, we agreed we needed that day together and were ready to have this baby now. We hadn't quite felt ready before but now we knew we could stick together.

It was a beautiful day. We came home exhausted but somehow managed to muster the energy to go to the beach and watch the fireworks with Evan and some friends. I went to bed feeling totally refreshed and am still on cloud nine today!

Things that hit you at 10pm on a Monday night

I've been rather depressed as of late. I'm a firm believer that a part of marriage is the physical expression. I have almost no self-esteem left. The baby blues sure do hit me hard. And I don't know if I'm just gross or what but anyway... In lieu of spending this entire blog in darkness and crying, I'm going to write about something else.

So there's a blog I follow, and the author is Amy Wilson. Her big thing is "When did I get like this?" I'm one of those moms who doesn't really think about what I'm doing. I love my son. Everything I do is out of love. There's not a whole lot of thinking or reflecting involved. I've basically been exhausted for the last four years. I'm running on instinct (or autopilot) here.

When I'm not on instinct, I'm in therapist mode. Evan's got a problem; how can I apply what I know about behaviorism to address it?

The other night, I was making Evan a peanut butter and jelly sandwich at 10:15pm. He'd been in bed since 8 but was refusing to sleep. His last request was a sandwich and some milk. I'm standing in the kitchen smearing the peanut butter across the bread thinking, "I don't even like this crap," and it suddenly hits me. It hit me so hard, I almost fell down.

"When did I get like this?" Seriously. When? When did potty training stop being gross and become exciting? When did I stop shopping for myself and immediately go to the toys and children's clothing aisles? When did I start searching for mommy friends? When is the last time I had a conversation with anyone in which I didn't bring up my child? When did I start checking the house before I went to bed to make sure he was a comfortable temperature and still breathing? When did I get so knowledgeable about child seats? When did I stop looking for social events for myself and start looking for my kid? When did I become a mom? Not just a biological mother, I mean a MOM. When did "Linny" disappear and become unimportant and "Evan" emerge and take center stage?

Wow. This is heavy. And I'm exhausted. Keep in mind, it's after 10pm, and I'm still making a sandwich. And Evan is calling to me from his room.

Just as I'm about to stand up and dust myself off, another freight train flies into me:

I am responsible for this little person. I feed him, bathe him, educate him, give him love and a sense of security, treat him when he's ill, comfort him when he's sad, and play with him when he wants me near. I read him bedtime stories, teach him songs and games, make sure he doesn't watch anything inappropriate on TV, schedule doctors' appointments, find childcare for him, and literally fight for his education (that's another topic entirely!).

I've always known that I'm technically responsible for him. I mean, I was there in the delivery room. The hospital has a firm "No Returns" policy. But I'm not talking about the kind of responsible that many feel towards their pets--just keep them alive and safe and you're going to jail if something bad happens to them. I'm responsible for what kind of man he turns into. It's my job to make sure he turns into a responsible, contributing member of society. I'm responsible for teaching him values and morals so that he turns into a good, respectable man. I'm in charge of teaching him how to take care of himself so that I don't do his future wife or life partner a huge disservice.

And you know what I did with these epiphanies?

I gave Evan his sandwich and kissed him good night, telling him firmly that he really needs to go to sleep now! I crawled into bed and tried to explain to my husband. He gave me a "she's crazy" look, and said something to the effect of, "Yeah. Even I know all that stuff," and keep in mind, he's the step-dad so he's had even less time to process this than me. He kissed me, and we went to sleep.

What else can you do?